Before coming out in 2019, Kei Jasper Evans had no idea what polyamory was. Now, 18-year-old, Kei identifies himself as polyamorous and pansexual. This seems a paradox for someone who also claims to be “socially anxious”.
During late 2019, Kei had a girlfriend with whom he felt he had no intimacy. Their relationship was on the brink of ending.
At the end of their relationship, Kei had a crush on another girl and confided in one of his friends. Kei explained, “My friend asked if I could date multiple partners without it being considered a cheat… I said that I could.” After this conversation Kei knew he had to break up with his girlfriend.
Kei’s story might sound, to the average person, like an illogical millennial who hasn’t got the memo about dating. However, sex councillor Ana Morin, explained there are a variety of reasons for a person to seek a polyamorous relationship.
“Sometimes, people who struggle with sex addiction are attracted to polyamory. Sex addiction is a combination of high libido and low self-esteem. They like the idea of having more partners but their capacity for intimacy is usually low. They use sex in order to not feel and think about emotions.”
Kei believes polyamory is not seen in a positive light in the general community, because of the popular perception of romance. According to Kei, the LGBTQI community is more legitimate in the eyes of the general public than the polyamorous community.
“People find polyamory to be unnatural. I reckon that people believe being gay is more natural than being polyamorous, which is sad. Many people have just the love, the true love. But that’s not the case for everyone. Some people find out that there are many loves for them.”
Kei’s struggles continue with his family life.
Kei lives on the north-side of Brisbane near Chermside, with his mother, sister, half-brother and step-father. The family is blue collar. Both his step-father and his mother are mechanics. He describes their dynamic as, “kind of old fashioned and conservative.” “Mum is a typical mum” and his step-father is “judgemental.”
Kei doesn’t have much contact with his biological father. He doesn’t like talking about him. “He was bad to me when I was a kid and I’ll go as far as that.” Initially, Kei felt he would be shunned by his family and friends if he came out to them. This was partially true. However, he has now been open to his mother and sister.
“My sister was accepting of me being polyamorous. She said as long as you’re happy about it and your partner is okay with it, it’s fine with me. My mum called it extremely weird and unnatural, as a lot of other people did.”
Kei felt shattered by his mother’s comments and as a result, hasn’t told any of his other family members, out of fear that they would judge him as harshly.
His step-father still doesn’t know. Kei said if his stepfather knew he was polyamorous he’d be a prick towards him.
Kei’s friends had mixed reactions when he came out. “Most of my friends were respectful of me being polyamorous. A lot judged me and left. The ones who left would say … what the fuck is your problem?”
Apart from Kei’s turbulent relationship with family and friends, his romantic life hasn’t been smooth sailing either. Kei has recently just broken up with a polyamorous partner, which he describes as “traumatic.” Kei says there wasn’t any high points in his past relationship.
He explained his ex-boyfriend was really keen to see multiple people in the beginning of the relationship but, it eventually ended on a sour note.
“My ex-boyfriend was very rude and disrespectful towards me. He would blame me for some things and yell at me. He wouldn’t allow me to see my other partners alone or at all. My ex wasn’t fair. He’d come on dates with me and my other partners and hangout; and take charge and get more attention and I would get nothing. It made the relationship hard. My other partners and I felt very upset during the time I was with my ex-boyfriend. He doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore now.”
Most of Kei’s ex-partners were new to polyamory. The lack of experience between him and his past partners have caused issues. Kei is hesitant about how he has dealt with jealously in his previous relationship’s. “I’m not too sure. Just got to remember that I am loved as equally as the other.”
Sex Counsellor Morin said, “people with intimacy issues are often attracted to polyamory because they want a few relationships without being very close to their partners. This can work only if they hook up with people who are like them or with people who already got most of their needs met with others.”
For Kei being polyamorous has been a point of contention with his family and friends. “Being polyamorous has affected the way my now ex-friends see me. They reckon that being polyamorous is dumb.”
Kei explains he sees his future, with more polyamorous relationships with other partners who are open with it.
Sex Counsellor Morin felt this was possible. “It is definitely possible to have more than one partner for a long time. People who achieve this have good relationship skills and capacity to repair ruptures in relationships and grow, just like people in long happy monogamous relationships do. The key is finding like-minded partners.”
Kei’s views on polyamory haven’t changed since he came out. “My perceptions haven’t really changed about polyamory since being open about it with my family and friends. However, each time I am involved with someone who’s polyamorous and we have a second partner together, it’s not easy.”
Though Kei recognises that being Polyamorous is difficult he is still prepared to continue with this way of living and loving. “I continue to be polyamorous because its who I am. I don't want bad experiences to stop me from being me. I have learnt that the hard way.”